I used to think that faith was “believing,” with all your heart something, regardless of what it looked or felt like. In other words, I believed that if I held tight mentally, and spiritually to my belief, faith would kick-in, and make it happen. It was almost like “willing it to happen.” Thinking about my family members, my husband, my son and his family, my grandchildren, my daughter and her husband, and the new baby whom I had not yet seen; friends and my brothers and sister in Christ, and you Shiloh; the possibility of getting sick myself, or having to take care of family members, or those grieving for and with so many who have lost loved ones, and did not get to say, ‘so long, or ‘see you later,’ truly challenged my “belief.” What a true test of anybody’s faith! I realized that as much as I wanted to quit, cry out, go back, or whatever it would take to not to have to deal with this, my faith required action from me. I realized that I had to keep in touch, stay grounded, do something! We had our first family zoom gathering, where everybody was talking at the same time about politics, about the pandemic, you name it- we covered it, and everyone wanted to share at the same time. Regardless, it was just good to “see” everyone again, and most of all getting to “see” the new baby was a delight! But with every passing moment and a daily dose of doom and gloom from Pandemic overload, I found it more and more difficult to stay afloat; ‘carest’ thou not that we perish?!,” was my mantra.
Feeling isolated and helpless, I was beginning to drown in my moments of despair. Sometimes I feel like I could have written the Book of Psalms, except mine, would have been called the Book of Sobs because I often feel like a faith-wimp. Whining too much. I have great highs and great lows. In the high times, I can say like David, ‘O Lord how excellent is thy name in all the earth!”, and in the low times I can say like Jesus to God, His father, ‘My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?”- all the time knowing that He promised never to leave me alone. I know that I am a Christian, and God has not given us the spirit of fear, but I was afraid. I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength, and when I could unbury my joy, I found my strength in him- but in the meantime, I was struggling. What I am learning about this faith-to-faith is that it truly is a journey, and until it is tested it is merely “belief only, in my best wishes for myself,” and may not necessarily be rooted in the One in whom I profess to believe. True, authentic faith must and will be tested, continually, and by any means necessary. My life and life experiences are my tests, and while I feel like a failure most times, my faith requires action, a response to the test. My action may not always give me a passing grade, but it will give me stability for the next test. “What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him?” (James 2:14 ESV).
During this Pandemic, Pastor has been teaching from the Book of Habakkuk, and we know that Habakkuk had similar issues with what God had allowed. So, the real test for me, when it is all said and done, is can I say like Habakkuk, I am going to sob and shout at the same time?
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crops fail and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of deer; he enables me to tread on the heights.”
Habakkuk 3:17-29
Submitted by Deaconess Irene Gardon